4 posts tagged “rant”

Before I do anything else, I want to get a few things straight. It might seem that I'm being a hypocrite in this post by attacking mass media, so I'm going to try and throw out a definition to stop all you yuppies from whining at my apathetic email account. By "mass media", I don't just mean everything out there that's marketed towards more than one person. I know that technically, that is the definition of mass media, but I can't attack all of it. There are a few programs on television, a few blogs here and there, a few musicians, etc., who I don't hate and don't feel that they deserve attacking against. But then there are the half-retarded "news anchors" (and I use the term in the loosest sense of the word) on FOX and most morning talk shows that make me want to forcibly ram my head into a large spike in order to lobotomize away the part of my brain which recognizes horrible programming and people who make me want to disbelieve Darwin's theory of Evolution simply because humanity couldn't have evolved into something so stupid. I think that when something has its own parody (The Daily Show/The Colbert Report for TV, countless fake blogs that are circulating the internet, Weird Al for music, PennyArcade for video games, the list goes on and on and on), this is a sign that the original design should be seriously looked over for any gaping holes. I could name examples (shooting the writers of Lost, handing over Fox News to people who are actually fair and balanced, putting BBC on cable television), but I'm not here to point fingers, because it's YOU who are at fault.

Yes, you. You who are reading my blog because it "makes you lol". You who watch Bill O'Reilly just so you can "get both sides of the story" or "make fun of how ignorant he is". You who forge your own path by stealing from other independent individuals and stitching everything together to create some sort of Frankenstein of "individuality". You who are a mindless slave to every up-and-coming product/project/show/blog/artist/album ever. You need to wake the fuck up and start becoming what is called a wise consumer. Don't give a show that sucks one more mindless viewer. Don't buy an album you'll only listen to until the next big thing comes out. Don't fuel the egos of brass-balled and brazen bloggers like me by sucking our collective dick after we post something that's pseudo-intellectual. Yes, I know that this requires forethought and making some intelligent decisions, but I've become more optimistic about humanity as a whole (which could very well turn out to be a huge mistake). I think that there's a possibility for change, but not until the majority of the population wakes the fuck up and realizes the huge mistakes they're all repeating incessantly.

As I said, I don't exempt myself from these harsh words. I watch TV just like the rest of you, I check blogs, I play video games, I listen to popular music. In the past week, I have sat through countless hours of Futurama, Rock Band, Randall Munroe's blog, and other exposure to media that was intended for public consumption. But unlike the majority of the American population, I'm afraid to say, I do these things in moderation. There are better things to do than sit around on your ass all day soaking up ideas that someone else is trying to put into your head. After a certain point, I feel that it becomes necessary to put down the controller/remote/mouse, and pick up a typewriter/keyboard/guitar and try making something. Something new and interesting that reflects what you've learned. But unfortunately, most people don't enjoy being productive, which has forced me into what will probably be a lifelong campaign against pay-to-view media.

You see, I find that when people can write or talk or play solely for other people and not for themselves, they generally have something important to say. Usually, this is an educated and intelligent message, and it should certainly make you look closer at the very least. When you can put aside monetary or celebrity gain and just do what you want to, you usually are dedicated and intelligent about the subject matter you are trying to push. And this is the good kind of mass media; the kind that the makers believe and want the masses to believe. The bad kind of mass media is what's out there right now; the kind that the makers don't need to believe because it sucks the people in and gives the makers money. I'm not saying that free media is 100% good and big-business media is 100% bad, because not many things are absolute. But I am saying that generally, if you can get sucked into it quicker than smoking cigarettes or snorting crack, it has equally detrimental effects. I could go all day citing bands, shows, and bloggers who make no money off what they do and don't want fame, but I'm sure you're equally familiar with these people. I'm one of these people, too. Sure, it'd be nice to have fame or money (fame moreso, honestly), but I'd rather be happy and intelligent than sell my soul to make a buck.

And that's what it's become. In order to have any sort of clout in this world, I am convinced that you need to be batshit fucking loco in some way or another. Musicians are drug-addled teenagers in old mens' bodies. News anchors are airheaded cocksuckers who are incapable of doing anything but reading off a teleprompter (Did you know that FOX and Friends, FOX News's early morning phone-in talk show, is 100% scripted? True story). Celebrities seem to be fighting over who can have the most emotional/mental disorders. And why? So the media can lap it all up, recycle it, and then vomit it up into your unsuspecting mouths, you dumbass baby birds who can't do shit but keep on staring at the screen.

I was first prompted to think on this matter (as nerdy as the prompt is) by reading a comic. That comic is Transmetropolitan, it is amazing, and I will be sure to come back to it sometime soon. The comic centers around a freewheeling neo-Gonzo journalist named Spider Jerusalem who comes back to "The City (TM)", a cyberpunk town where all of society resides, after five years of mountainside solitude because his "whore-hopping" editor needs him to write two more books. If you can imagine Hunter S. Thompson heavily armed, slightly more insane and violent, and in the future, then you can imagine Spider Jerusalem (also, he has kickass glasses). But in issue 6, What Spider Watches on TV, Spider resigns himself to watching TV for 24 straight hours in order to get new material. Instead, he ends up calling in to television programs in order to point out how stupid each and every host is. I think the best example of this is with a news show:

"...you people don't know what the truth is! It's there, just under their bullshit, but you never look! That's what I hate most about this fucking city--lies are news and truth is obsolete!"
-Spider Jerusalem

I agreed with him and what he was doing up until the end, where he ran into a stumbling block. You see, as Spider was trying to do all this and bring down "the system", of course, he ends up on the news. By trying to destroy television, he becomes television material, which he resents. Which brings me to the final point and the question of this ramblog:

What would be the best way to rebel against mass media pro-actively (not just boycotting shit and sitting around with protest signs) that wouldn't attract media attention?

Some food for thought. I certainly don't have an answer, although I am thinking about it. Once I do have an answer, however, I want to put it into action and change something for once. I'm sick of the state of our society, and I think the first thing we need to do is detach ourselves from the nipple of mass media. It's all bullshit, so I can guarantee that the tit you're sucking at isn't giving out milk...

-blake

Look at me hypnotized and half alive, maybe it's four or five.
Some parts are sleeping, some parts are paralyzed.
Just one more minute.. just one more minute.. I think I'm almost in it.
Give me tits and politicians.
Give me death and demolition.
Give me glamour and sedition!
"Television, Television", by OK Go

While on the drive home tonight talking to friends Adam, Curley, and Erich about the movie Cloverfield we had just seen-- and fighting the indigestion that followed from ten-dollar popcorn which contained equal parts popped corn, butter and salt-- I realized something. Cloverfield is a movie of such mixed sentiments from viewers and reviewers alike that it would be all too predictable of me to write a review/rant about it. But after further discussion and thoughts upon the movie, I decided that I had no other choice but to take the bait and write a somewhat lengthy response to this movie of questionable quality. I don't feel like ruining the movie for anyone who wants to see it, so I am going to give you a warning here and then move on. Warning: this review will contain extensive spoilers, personal opinions, lots of cursing, and even more criticism. If you are easily made nauseous by things like shaky camera or pseudo-controversial blogging, I suggest that you turn away now, or maybe after reading this spoiler-free summery.

Spoiler-Free Summary: Cloverfield is, simply put, a romp in mediocrity. Some things in the movie shone, some things...not so much. If you are going to this movie expecting quality acting or writing, watch something else. If you're a big disaster freak, a B-movie nut, or just want to see some really cool special effects, watch this movie. But for Zombie Jesus' sake, don't see this movie just because you saw the "01-18-08" trailer and were intrigued. You'll be sorely disappointed. It's also not scary at all and doesn't make a lot of sense. That's the rest of the review in a nutshell.

WARNING! THE SPOILER-FREE ZONE ENDS HERE!

So, getting down to brass tacks, Cloverfield starts out in a way that tries to be mysterious, but ends up just being convoluted, unintelligible, and random. This sets a good tone for the rest of the movie, because nothing is actually explained. Characters come and go as they please (they mostly go), and although it tries to be spooky, ominous, mysterious, and what-have-you; it's incredibly hard to do that when you've got a fifty-fucking-story-tall-dinosaur-slash-whale-slash-Sin-slash-mutant-thing running rampant in Midtown Manhattan. I mean, seriously, it'd be nice to have some explanation as to why this shit is happening. Cloverfield doesn't seem like the type of movie that would have a sequel, because (jumping forward a little bit), there's no real ending! Every character you are introduced to dies, save one girl whose fate is unknown (she probably died too, which is a shame because she was almost smart), and there is no epilogue saying where the fuck this monster came from, why it was in Manhattan, or who won against the monster.

Okay, scratch that, there's a cryptic backwards-radio-transmission if you wait for 10 minutes after the credits roll which, if you manage to record it and reverse it, might say "It's still alive", might say "Help us", and might say "Golly jeepers, I sure am in the mood for some blueberry fucking pancakes." Who gives a shit? If you're so into this movie that you care enough to analyze this sound clip, you have bigger issues than reading to the end of this ramblog. I advise you seek help immediately, or start over-analyzing something that requires or at least deserves it (I recommend House of Leaves, by Mark Z. Danielewski). There are three things about Cloverfield that I would even bother analyzing besides basic movie-reviewer shit such as plot, camera, acting, and effects. I will now list them here:

BEGIN LIST!

1) Sequel Possibility. Yes, there's some sort of sequel possibility; but from what I've seen, it would be totally unrealistic and not worth viewing. According to the good old Wikipedia entry for Cloverfield, the director said "There's a moment on the Brooklyn Bridge, and there was a guy filming something on the side of the bridge, and [the cameraman] Hud sees him filming and he turns over and he sees the ship that's been capsized and sees the headless Statue of Liberty, and then he turns back and this guy's briefly filming him. In my mind that was two movies intersecting for a brief moment, and I thought there was something interesting in the idea that this incident happened and there are so many different points of view, and there are several different movies at least happening that evening and we just saw one piece of another."

To that, I respectfully say to director Matt Reeves, why the fuck would you make two movies that are the exact same thing?! I understand where he would be coming from in making a sequel, but I also understand that sequels generally involve the same characters (or similar characters) with an entirely different plot. What he would be doing here would be using the exact same plot with different characters! It'd be like an expansion pack for a video game, and I really hope that it wouldn't sell unless the plot was drastically changed. But I can't see how it would be changed, either. I mean, in the middle of the night, this monster randomly appears in the city, destroys shit, has a bunch of parasites that make people explode, and then the military overreacts and bombs the shit out of it and New York City. Something tells me that if a sequel is made in that manner, those plot points wouldn't be changed. So you've got the same movie, but with a different script. Why would anyone see that?

2) Product Placement- I understand that this movie was supposed to be drastically realistic, but I wasn't even paying attention to it and I saw a ridiculous amount of labels around New York City. True, NYC does have a ridiculous amount of advertising, but without even really looking for anything, they managed to sneak in Sony, Spongebob Squarepants, Nokia (multiple times), Aquafina/PepsiCo, and many others (as I said, that was off the top of my head at 11 at night). Also, during the party, they played songs by Spoon, Bright Eyes, Of Montreal, and Ratatat just to name a few. I'm not complaining about this, mind you, I'm just noting that when an average guy like me goes to a movie and notices this right off the bat, it's saying something. Not sure what it's saying--and I'm not going to go into it because this is a movie review and not a shitty philosophical discussion of society-- but it's saying something.

3) Critically-Proclaimed Originality- I'm not going to knock this movie for being unoriginal, mainly because everything is tried-and-true (or at least tried) these days and finding real originality is like me finding the G-Spot on an attractive female: it just doesn't happen often. But enough about me. Cloverfield has been lauded on multiple occasions for an original plot, cast of characters, style of filming, special effects and what-have-you. To this I simply ask the proclaimers of such statements: What is your address? Because I bet it is Nobody-Gives-A-Shit, Under A Rock Road, Nowhere, Idaho. The shitty homemade filming technique is most certainly not new to Cloverfield (Blair Witch Project, anybody?), nor is the plot: a ridiculous hybrid of Godzilla (the obvious) and Escape from New York (the not-so-obvious). I will agree that the film has an original cast of characters for a thriller/horror/disaster/nobody-gives-a-fuck movie, but as I'm about to explain, this is far from a good thing.

END LIST!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'll actually talk about the movie. As I said, it starts out in a faux-mysterious way, and then cuts to some guy (who we find out to be the main character, the lovestruck, post-angsty Robert) filming some girl (who we later see is Beth, Rob's best friend/one night stand whore) after a night of what was most certainly unbridled pleasure, because who doesn't like celebrating fucking your best friend by going to Coney Island the next day? But oh no, what's this? It appears that the tape is tainted, as there is a decidedly unclean cut and the time-stamp reads one month later. We then see that Robert's brother Jason (who nobody cares about and dies in the first half hour) 'stole' the camera from his "bro" (yes, it is that type of movie) to film a going away party. Of course, this going away party is riddled with drama, as Robert becomes mopey about the fact that Beth actually went out and got a boyfriend because he was too much of an uncertain cunt to do anything with her other than sleep with her and be distant. The night progresses, shit happens that nobody cares about, and the characters get increasingly drunker.

It is here, ten minutes into the movie, where I began to notice the intolerable acting of the characters. Even if they are drunk, everybody is completely detached from one another and it doesn't feel like any bonds are being established, reinforced, or broken-- save the bond every character reinforces with good old Jack Daniel. This, of course, is an overextravagant gesture from the director, or the caster, or the producer, or somebody. It's actually a large subliminal message, saying "Hey, don't give a shit about these people! They're practically retarded, what they do is unimportant, and they all should have seen their imminent death coming!" Or at least, that's the point that I hope somebody was trying to get across, because the script and acting are far from gems.

I noticed this again after the monster appeared in Manhattan, when the main characters run to the roof to "get a better look". No doubt these are the same people who would go into the basement alone and without a flashlight or weapon to investigate the noise during a zombie outbreak while wearing red and saying "I'll be right back". After their foray to the roof, they sober up in less than five minutes as they run out into the streets to get an even better view of the chaos going on. Then, they go from being not-very-well-portrayed-"smashed" (Robert alone had at least three shots of sake and two beers) to sober, rational and coherent faster than my car goes from 0 to 60, but I guess their superhuman surges of tolerance make up for their ability to form decent escape plans. Plan 1--go with the flow--isn't necessarily a bad one, but when that goes awry, Robert realizes that he loves Beth and has to go back for her in the middle of war-zone NYC. Not only does he have to do this, but he has to travel in the dark subways without a weapon or light, trust the military to help him in his crisis, and climb a 50-story apartment building to reach Beth's apartment building, which has collapsed onto this other building. The characters are original for the setting, but they are also far from inspired, deep, or even vaguely intelligent (and I'm not even mentioning the part where they decide to pull Beth off a spike that is impaled through the left side of her chest, but then she starts running around and generally surviving until the last scene).

The plot is also predictable, so I'm just going to skip over that and spoil as little of what there is to spoil as possible and discuss what I really want to: the Cloverfield monster. This monster appears (although I'm told it could be an object making a mysterious splash in the ocean during the Coney Island section of the tape...not that I care) in New York City, wreaking havoc on everything it sees and dropping off small pieces of itself that later on become deer-sized spider-like parasites intent on biting people. Oh yeah, and when you get bitten by a parasite and live, you explode. I guess what I'm trying to open this portion with is the movie and the monster generally make absolutely no sense so don't even bother trying to rationalize them.

But wait! Giant monster that looks like a whale mixed with a dinosaur that inexplicably destroys cities and has parasites attached to it that drop off and kill things whenever it wants them to? This sounds all too familiar, at which point I will direct you to the main villain of Final Fantasy 10, Sin (An explanation can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Final_Fantasy_X_and_X-2#Sin and a picture here: http://www.ffcompendium.com/chara/10sin2.jpg). The Cloverfield monster, while doesn't look exactly like this, has almost the same premise, except it looks a little bit more like a T-Rex and doesn't teleport a brickheaded, flamboyant, Japanese male and all of his friends 10,000 years into the future. So much for that little bit of originality.

Also, it has come to my attention through this interview (http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=41100) that there was a general premise to the monster. Director Reeves said that "The key to it is that the monster was a baby. The monster was suffering from separation anxiety and was absolutely disoriented and pissed, "where's mommy?", and terrified. That was the most important aspect of the creature. Not only was he furious and in a rage but he was scared, because to me there's nothing scarier than something huge that's spooked."

Oh, wow. Thanks, Mr. Reeves. While you're at it, why don't you give us a guide to the movie, y'know, like a Cloverfield for Dummies reference, so we can understand what's going on? Because I hate to admit it, but that actually makes sense!

Or maybe you could have stopped trying to be mysterious and maybe even hinted a little bit at what the fuck was going on even 1% of the time, making that revelatory interview an "Oh, duh, I got that." instead of a "Where the hell did that come into play?!" In fact, I take back what I said in the last paragraph. I want this option instead.

Now that I've gotten the lengthy negatives out, I'd like to dwell on the positives of the movie: the special effects. While the camera made me want to vomit quite a few times, the special effects were probably some of the best I've ever seen in a movie, and definitely the best from a thriller/disaster movie. That monster looked all too real, as did the havoc it wreaked on Manhattan. I have to say that although I was disappointed by most of the movie, the effects and rendering of the monster were amazing and near unbelievable.

However, beauty does not overcome the beast, and sitting through uninspired acting, a predictable plot, and nonsensical madness that didn't even add up in the end does not get canceled out by the fact that I easily believed the monster could be real. If you haven't noticed yet, it's really hard for me to stop talking about the written aspects of this film. It's a problem that really bothered me while viewing: in terms of plot/character development, screenwriting, and acting, Cloverfield fell flat on its face and lay there writhing for ninety minutes. And all I can say to that is thank God it was only an hour and a half, because if I had to sit through ten more minutes of high-pitched "Oh my God, I'm so scared, we're all going to die!" screaming, I would have gouged out my ears in order to save my sanity. So if you don't care about the shitty aesthetics (although there are a few cynical moments such as Hub's comments about flaming hobos and people taking pictures of the Statue of Liberty's head while the monster is a few blocks up the street which made me snicker and think the movie was being "smart" for a change) and just want to see a pissed-off whaleasaur destroy buildings and make people explode for no good reason whatsoever, go see Cloverfield. But I warn you, get to the movie theater 25 minutes late so you can see the first explosion and skip out on the party. I mean, you don't want it to make too much sense, do you?

-blake.

About two weeks ago now, my friend Daniel and I were lamenting the torrid and horrible fate of our favorite console: the Playstation 2. The PS2 symbolizes pretty much everything about high school, from playing Final Fantasy and MegaMan X games to God of War's release (and obsession over said title) to ICO and Shadow of the Colossus and finally, to the Katamari series. Ah, Katamari, what fun times and parties your quirky games bestowed upon my friends and I after school, on weekends, at gatherings, social events, parties, during exams, and so on and so forth. The originality and avant-garde nature of the Katamari series swept me into it, and I still see those games as a beacon of originality in the FPS/RPG atmosphere of modern gaming. Honestly, I missed the first Katamari game, Katamari Damacy, and I've only played a few levels. We <3 Katamari, the second game in the series, was where I've spent the majority of my time, mainly because it had an amazing co-op system.

For those of you who are not familiar with how the Katamari series works, I'll fill you in here so that you're not incredibly lost for the rest of the remainder of this post. You play as the Prince (or one of his many cousins, should you find them hidden in various levels), and you essentially are a servant to your father, the King of All Cosmos. The King of All Cosmos, in all his masterfulness and perfection, inexplicably manages to fuck something up at the beginning of the game, and you (being an obedient and obliging Japanese son) must correct his errors. In the beginning of Katamari Damacy, the King gets rip-roaring drunk one night and accidentally blows up the Cosmos in their entirety. In We <3 Katamari, the King, seeing the success and impact of Katamari Damacy on video-gaming everywhere, wants to make another game to appease the number of fans who worship the Prince and the King. But regardless of the problem, the solution is the same: a katamari.

What is a katamari, you ask? A katamari happens to be a large mass of something that is shaped like you stuck a bunch of pogs onto a bowling ball, and you roll this large mass of something around the homes, schools, gardens, streets, lakes, and cities of suburban Japan, picking up objects which are smaller than you. Although this may sound incredibly boring, the game is known for being almost epileptic-ly bright, and the streets are littered with objects from mice to matchsticks. Some of the things you pick up are just incredibly absurd, and these can be things like mushrooms, sumo wrestlers, centaurs, gnomes, cats, and even God (in the second game, you roll up "God"). Of course, as you roll up more things, you get larger, and as you get larger, you can roll up larger objects. Do the math, you can get pretty large.

It's a really fun concept, but I have to say that the third installment in the series, Beautiful Katamari, really does not live up to its predecessors. I spent so much time talking about the previous two games just so you can get an idea of how fun they were to play. Now if you take those two games, eliminate everything fun and original from them, kill the multiplayer, and add more money into the equation; then you will understand why I do not like Beautiful Katamari one bit. I admit it; I have not beaten the single-player mode for this game yet, nor do I intend to. It stacks up with the previous two games in the fact that single-player is impossibly hard. You can almost never get a full 100% of items collected in a single-player match for some unknown reason, and this is incredibly, incredibly aggravating. It is like somebody is dangling an incredibly fun object under your nose, but constantly pulling it away even though you are succeeding. That's right, even when you succeed, you don't win. The King of All Cosmos is almost never satisfied with your results, even if you managed to beat the level. It's always "Oh, you could do better." or "Oh! When did you roll this up? Is this even a katamari?" It's kind of depressing that it's so hard to impress the king; even in the first few levels. I enjoyed the multi-player of We <3 Katamari for two reasons. First off, it allowed you to play the game with friends, which is always a plus because I have those. Secondly, they gave you additional time on the mission so the game wasn't so goddamn impossible to succeed at. That is why I liked We <3 Katamari so much: it was a hilarious, original, quirky party game that everybody loved. I hate Beautiful Katamari not because it is a repeat of the last two games: that makes me HAPPY. I am glad that they decided to stick with the model that worked for them previously. But where they diverted hurts the game and makes it a lot less fun to play for me.

First off, the storyline is not as enjoyable. The King of All Cosmos, while on a vacation with his Queen and the Prince, shows off while playing tennis and hits the ball so hard that it rips a hole in the space-time continuum creating a black hole that sucks up the entire cosmos. The King plugs up this hole, but it threatens to strike again, which is where the Prince comes in. It's a fairly humorous storyline, but compared to the first two games, it seems hastily put together and not really worth paying attention to. The multiplayer in the game is also lacking. Whereas in past games, cooperative play was allowed on every level ever, this amazing feature is restricted to three small levels, none of which are particularly interesting. I'm trying not to spoil anything, but the multiplayer of this game is just really not worth playing at all, which then translates into "this game is just really not worth playing at all". And to add insult to injury, Namco decided to put more levels out on XBox Live for purchase at 200 points (about five bucks, depending on where you look), which isn't bad, but then you look at the achievements for the game, and see that there are multiple achievements that can only be completed by paying for/downloading certain levels. That's right, it is impossible to 100% the game without paying for additional downloadable content, which is a pathetic move on Namco's part.

The levels look a lot nicer and the gameplay is smoother, but the gaping holes in Beautiful Katamari prevent you from having any real fun with it. Rent it, then buy a PS2 mini for 100$ and a copy of We <3 Katamari for about 30. You'll be a lot happier with it.

-blake

PS. Also, the soundtrack sucks. Whereas Katamari was previously known for orchestral or electronic goofiness, they now try to take themselves seriously and do an 80's funk theme. Needless to say, it doesn't work out at all.

Okay, I'm well aware in advance that this post is going to be incredibly incoherent and it's probably going to bear strong resemblance to my last stream-of-consciousness-esque rant, but that's what you get when you're running on such a weird sleep schedule as I am. Don't worry, I'm not missing any sleep, it's just not all in the right places, so I feel incredibly tired at as early as 8 PM...Hopefully my full 8 hours tonight will right any wrongs that have accumulated in the last...fuck, has it been 4 days? 4 days. And hopefully my post full of ranting tonight will right any wrongs that have accumulated in my mind recently. It probably won't, but at least it'll make me feel better temporarily, as these posts often do. I haven't been writing a lot, and I've been songwriting/playing piano even less, but at least I know right now that it's not because of some absurd writer's block. It's because I have no time, a rather new development in the sense that it's always been a problem, but it hasn't been the only problem I've faced for a long, long while. But I'll get to that in due time. My weekend is far more interesting than my petty little personal problems. So without further ado, I will give to you

The Absolutely HorriblAmazing Thanksgiving Break of 2007!!! - Micro Edition Because I really don't think I'll be able to write much in this state.

Wednesday- So Wednesday I was supposed to leave for home at 9:00, bringing two of my dorm-mates to Poughkeepsie so they could catch their respective trains by 11:30 at latest. Of course, this doesn't happen; not even close. My parents don't end up getting here until 10:45, at which point we pack it up and book it for Poughkeepsie (40 minutes away, eep!). Of course, we don't have very good directions, so that got us even later than we were originally going to be. Somehow (miraculously), we got there by 11:36, my dad quietly seething at me for other people getting bad directions, and we run in. Unfortunately, the 11:30 train has already left (an American train...ON TIME? ON A HOLIDAY??? Of all the times...), but there was a 12:30 train, which the website didn't state. So they take that train and can still get to their respective changeovers because apparently everywhere BUT Poughkeepsie is being hit by massive Thanksgiving delays. So I get back into the car, get berated by my father, and I go home wondering why I decided to come in the first place.

Oh right, I have an Eagle Board of Review Wednesday night. That's why I decided to come home. So I come home, set my stuff down, and immediately run out to get my Eagle Scout board of review. ZOMGZ! I'll withhold the outcome until the end of this paragraph, you know, to make you curious and all. So I go to the board of review in a technically non-Class A uniform (Class A is the full deal, you need it to advance. I forgot a belt, which was concealed by the pair of pants I was wearing, thank goodness), with pink hair, painted fingernails and shaved limbs. I also fuck up really badly on a few questions, the most prominent one being this:

Q: "So, why do you want to be an Eagle Scout?" <--- An extremely important and relevant question...

A: "Um...I dunno. I don't really." <---An IDIOTIC answer, followed up by: "Well, no I mean I do want it, but I feel that I've done all the work--gotten all the merit badges and whatnot-- and I've furthered myself and my church by doing this project, so even if I don't get Eagle, I'll still feel that I've earned it." <--An equally idiotic justification.

Can you believe that I actually said this to the Eagle Board? I can't. But I go through the hour-and-a-half interview, leave the room for a bit while they debate, get pulled back into the room, and lo and behold...

I'm an Eagle Scout. Hell yeah!!!

But my night didn't end there; fuck no, not today! [/Fear and Loathing] From there, I went to Melissa's house (MK of Title of Radio Show fame) and met up with a bunch of friends that I'd end up hanging around with for a large part of the weekend. We walked around the development, went to Quick Chek and got snacks, then watched Snatch with my brand new computer's S-Cable! Whoever invented something thats sole purpose is pretty much to enable people to show stolen movies on a big-screen TV is my hero. The S-Video Cable is a miraculous invention, and Snatch is an amazing movie.

After those festivities (oh, I also cooked Tofu. Forgot about that part...), I went home and crashed at the bright and early hour of 2:30 AM. It was beautiful.
Day 1 Sleep--2:30 AM - 10:30 AM. 8 Hours

That's all I'm going to write tonight. I'm delusionally tired for reasons I'll divulge as the rest of this comes to fruition.

ohmygodineedsleep...

[Update 1 of Many]
So it's Monday. I'm not entirely rested, but I have caffeine in me, so that'll probably do the trick for a little bit. In the 15 minutes I have, I'm going to attempt to continue this little recap of mine, in order to better explain my current situation.

Thursday- Thursday was that one day...the day where you eat a lot of stuff, and a bunch of Native Americans saved the early settlers from dying one winter...umm, shit, it's the day before Black Friday. Yeah, you know the day I'm trying to talk about, I just keep forgetting its name. Whatever, it'll come to me eventually. So I had to spend the day with my family because, well, it was just the right thing to do. My day was incredibly uneventful: I played video games, I worked on homework a little bit, I wrote a little bit. Of course, nothing really productive was done...I couldn't have read more than 30 pages, and I doubt I wrote more than half a page. The larger portion of the day was binging myself on some Mass Effect.

For those of you not in-the-know about video games, Mass Effect is from the same people that made Knights of the Old Republic, BioWare. And, in the style of KotOR, it's incredibly open-ended. After the prologue, you start off with about 5 possible quests, and probably 5 different ways to accomplish each quest. Depending on how you go about these quests, you get more XP, different alignment shifts (Paragon vs. Rebel), different party members, or different powers/weapons. Put that on top of a giant solar system to explore (something like 50 randomly generated planets), tons of side quests, and nearly infinite character options, and you've got a game that will probably take me months to complete. My character, named Z'Omgz Shepard, is an Earth-Born human who is a ruthless marine that will do anything to get the job done. When the majority of his team died on a dangerous mission, he became rather jaded, and focuses only on the completion of his mission. He is fully trained in weapons, and also has a limited knowledge of Biotics (a combination of Magic and Force Powers). Character creation alone took me about half an hour. It's a mad fun game, and I'd even say that it's almost worth buying a 360 just to play it. Well, it and Rock Band, but that's a completely different story.

So I played Mass Effect, then had the large dinner gala with my family, and at this point, I realized something that took me three-and-a-half months to recognize: the only reason I really can't stand coming back to New Jersey is my dysfunctional family (Rephrasal: At the time, I thought this...). I just feel that when I come home from Bard, I'm taking a step back in my life, going back to a place that I was at, but don't want to be at ever again. My friends are cool (I thought), and Hackettstown isn't that bad of a place. It's my home that bothers me. Take the discussion at dinner, for example: we either talked strictly about me and my experiences at college/my new success as Eagle Scout or we talked about something I had no idea about, such as my brother's marching band career. The two sets of conversations were mutually exclusive; only one person was involved at a time...it was totally ridiculous. I couldn't relate to half the things that were said, so I couldn't respond, and I imagine that my brother had the same feeling the other half of the time. Another interesting topic of conversation during dinner was about thank-you notes. My grandmother inquired about what I was doing for thank-yous since my Eagle Project had finally reached completion. I explained to her that I'd sent hand-written thank you notes to the people who generously donated to my project, and that was it. She then asked didn't I want to thank my Scoutmaster or my Eagle Adviser? I said that no, I didn't, because there was no precedent for it, and I already thanked my Adviser for donating some carpentry material and time. She then asked if I had gotten any thank-you notes for working on another scout's project. I said no, and she asked if I had expected one, to which I scoffed out something to the effect of "God no, and I never will." Of course, this escalated into an argument which was partially my fault, but for chrissakes, it was about thank you notes! I mean, come on...

After being thoroughly disillusioned with my family and dinner, I retired to my room in order to organize myself, write a bit more, and maybe even work on homework. Or at least, that was the plan. I wrote for a bit, then discovered a few online games, which I indulged myself in, with the full intention of starting my "real work" at 11 PM, and I'd stay up only until 1 AM. Then Dan IMed me, asking if I wanted to do something like "Midnight Madness". I inquired as to what midnight madness was, and Dan replied that it was something like Black Friday, but it started at midnight. Places like Staples were doing it. Oh boy, did I ever! So I ran downstairs at 11, asking if I could go with Dan. Unfortunately, it was Thanksgiving (that's the name!), and the tryptophan had put everybody to sleep but me, the vegetarian. So I was going to sneak out, and leave a nice little note on my door saying where I was going. I know, I'm a genius...

So we go out, and I bring my life-bag with me. My life-bag has pretty much everything I'd ever need if I was stuck on a deserted island except for food. In it, there were 2 books (Lolita and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius), my camera, my journal, my iPod, and my secret device which contains all sorts of contraband. Of course, Dan sees the device, knows what it is, and since he's never been high before, starts asking me about it. We discuss the pros and cons of these illegal drugs, and after arriving at the Staples in town--which was reportedly selling a 500 GB hard drive for 80$ (after various rebates)-- and seeing it closed, we began to wonder. What if midnight madness didn't exist? Dan wanted to drive to the nearby town of Rockaway to see if the larger malls were participating, but on the deal that if it didn't happen, Dan would smoke with me. So we go to Rockaway, and we see there are a lot of cars outside of Best Buy. However, upon closer inspection, it's revealed to us that midnight madness DID exist, but it was camping outside of stores, not shopping in them. In 30 degree weather with ridiculous amounts of wind at 1 in the morning, these people were tenting up outside of Best Buy so they could save maybe 25$ on Christmas shopping. Frankly, that's pathetic. I mean, I don't need to put up an argument to justify my position here; I think that the sheer number of Midnight Madness-induced colds, hypothermia and frostbite cases will speak for themselves. Fuck justification, I didn't do it, so I don't have to take the hit. I therefore turn the microphone to you, the reader, and I ask you: What in James' name would compel you to do something like that (If you participated, that is. If not, congratulations. You probably have a higher IQ than a rock.)

So since I was right, Dan and I didn't go directly home. No, we had other plans...plans that involved going to train tracks, then Dunkin' Donuts, then around town, meaning that I didn't get to bed until 3:00 AM! It was beautifully hazy.
Day 2 Sleep- 3:00 AM - 8:00 AM. 5 Hours Oops?

Friday- Friday was a fun day for me. Well, at least if you're the Marat de Sade... I guess what I mean to say is that it had its high points and its low points. I had to get up at 8:00 AM for a reason...and that reason was that it was Black Friday, the most important holiday America, nay THE WORLD, has ever known and will ever know. So of course, since the previous night (morning?) was a failure, I had to get up early and try again, this time with my friend Becca.

-blake