4 posts tagged “introspective”

Okay, so here's the cop-out New Year's post that one or two are waiting for and hoping won't completely disappoint you. I'll do what I can, but I've got no promises about the quality of this post (or any subsequent ones, for that matter).

I know that in the past, I've done Top 10s, evaluating things that have been good/bad, and then briefly discussing what I wanted to happen in the year ahead, maybe make some sort of bullshitty resolution. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen this time. I should have done a lot of things today that I just haven't for whatever reason, so instead of churning this out quickly and then attempting to be productive, I'm going to churn this out quickly and then continue to be unproductive. Maybe I'll sleep, or read, or something. I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I should have gotten Star-Nosed Moles on a Sailboat done today, but I barely touched it. I should have practiced more today, instead of touching the piano for the first time in the better part of a month and then promptly giving up (like practicing at this point would have made a difference anyway). I should have tried harder to find drugs for me to abuse this New Year, in a futile attempt at both impressing a girl and escaping reality. But I didn't do any of those things today, so I'm still a slacker writer, a poor piano player, and dryer than the desert.

I don't really know why I was talking about that. It really has nothing to do with 2007, or anything that I can think of. But I'm half-asleep as always, so I'll continue to digress as I please. Actually, I think I can tie this thing into 2007, because that's what it was. The year 2007, for me, was a gigantic downwards spiral. The year really started in mid-February, when I began to excuse myself from yet another relationship. I had gotten out of the life-is-shit mentality of 2006, and was praying for a better year. Doug (of SWAINNET) and I had discussed it towards the end of last year, and we both decided that 2006 was a horrible year. So our "resolution", so to speak, was to live 2007 to the fullest; exploiting both our departure from high school and our entrance into college as much as we could. And we did, I'm pretty sure of that. I tried really hard to patch up my life in March and April, and by the time I graduated, I was the happiest motherfucker on the planet Earth.

Of course, feelings like that tend to be incredibly fleeting. After destroying a large portion of my brain cells, I began to lose my hold on things yet again. I recognized quite a few things. First off (here's where the list comes in again!), I realized that I really didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. This applied to a bunch of things, not just college. It held true with my relationships, with my aspirations, with my future career, or major, or even college choice. Nothing really hit me that badly until literally the day before I left for college, and then I just stopped in my tracks and was like "Oh...shit". This theme of indecision was reinforced by going to college, where instead finding some sort of direction, the opposite happened, and paths were severed before I could complete any of my dreams. Instead of being a Music major, I got shoved away (because the last ten years of my life were a lie, apparently) and pushed into something that I love, but have absolutely no experience with: Literature/Creative Writing. I'm good at it and all, but am I good enough? What if I'm not? Do I have a backup plan for my backup plan?

Questions like these have been running through my mind for months. As one problem was solved, it split into two related ones. For the last year or so, I've been dealing with some sort of grotesque problem-hydra, multiplying just as fast as I can slice a head off. As the burdens grew more, I became less outgoing. I stopped doing homework, I relied more heavily on booze and pot, I stopped talking to a bunch of friends, I only wrote when it was necessary or when I had the relief of having free time. In the end (about the last month), I even stopped playing piano and writing for pleasure. It was the top 10 albums, the script, and any work that I had to do. Yes, for the most part it was a bunch of fun stuff, but if I had my way, I'd be composing an album or working on one of two stories.

Whereas in April, I was on top of the world, by October, I was in my first of two crises. I dug myself out of that particular hole in early November, and continued to move on as normal. Then again in December, I threw myself headfirst into a hole I've no idea how to get out of. Those are a few details of the year 2007 that I would like to put on my list. I hope everything has been explained or will be explained solidly enough to comprehend what I talk about when I list the pros and cons of 2007.

2007: The Pros

• Media- Whereas there were maybe two or three decent albums out of 2006, 2007 was a veritable smörgåsbord of music, movies, and video games. You've already seen my Top 10 list, but movies such as Knocked Up and Superbad came from far out of left field to show how comedy was done. In addition to that, there was Lars and the Real Girl, Wristcutters, Sicko, and then in the last month, Walk Hard, No Country for Old Men, Juno, and There Will Be Blood. Of course, there were some flops as well (Pretty much any movie with a "3" in it sucked...Pirates 3, Shrek 3, 3:10 to Yuma...the list goes on), but nothing is perfect.
• Moving Ons- 2007 gave me a great opportunity to leave everything behind. I got to leave home and go to college, meet new people, and attempt to reshape my life for the first time...ever? Yeah, ever.
• Free Time/Talent- Senior Year and college gave me a lot more free time than I knew what to do with. I didn't just stay in and play video games, either. 2007 saw me developing my musical talents in areas other than classical piano, my writing ability, my comedic talent, and so much more. Oh, and I got my Eagle badge.

2007: The Cons

• Moving Ons- Because they aren't always a good thing.
• Talent, Lack of - This should be apparent.
• Relationship Problems- Ditto
• Depression- Ditto
• Indecision
• Generally not being able to get anything done.

I, James Blake, am going to try and keep my head above water for all of 2008. No more, no less. I realize that I'm aspiring too much, and if I don't do that, I'm likely to be impressed with the way next year turns out. Also, if I do the opposite of what I did this year, maybe it will reverse my downward spiral trend, making the end of 2008 simply amazing. Who knows?

See you next year.

-blake

I'm going to apologize in advance here for two...no, three things. First off, I apologize that this document probably will not be proofread for any sort of grammatical or spelling errors. I'm not even going to give it a once-over to make sure it flows; that alone should give you an idea of how crunched, wiped, and generally fucked I am. Second off, I apologize for not making sure that this document is at all cohesive. I've been fluctuating with writing recently; generally, I think that it's total crap, whereas everyone else reading it thinks it's genius in whatever field I try to write. So I don't know which way this is going to go, although I know I'll think it crap. Thirdly and finally, I would like to apologize in advance for something. You see, every year, I try and do a New Year's post; say how my year's been, how I want next year to be, and then point some highlights and downfalls of the year both from a personal perspective and a global one. It's a really fun affair, and even thinking about it is starting to make me feel a little bit happier. The apology comes in when I have to break the news that I'm not sure whether or not I'll be able to make this post this year (I guess the apology has come in now...).

Yeah, I really have no idea how my New Year's will be, so I really can't guarantee a post for that period of time, or even a real post anytime relatively soon. The reason is simple: I am in a miserable slump right now, and it's not only affecting my writing. It's effecting my entire lifestyle and unrelentingly making me pathetic. I know I said the same thing about my the writing slump I had back in late October/early November (Jeez, was that already two months ago? It feels like a day, literally), but this isn't the same thing at all. For example, I know when, where and why this "block started (although I'm probably not going to delve too much into that, it being a quite private matter), and I can tell how badly it is affecting everything I can do. I see no resolution to this bout of depression, and I am becoming increasingly convinced that depression is what it is. It really feels like genuine, chemical imbalanced, give-me-some-fucking-medication, depression to me, which is a depressing thing in itself. I'll get into the particulars very soon, but first, I want to outline some of the initiating factors and symptoms.

Let's first start out with the symptoms I'm feeling...I'm sure you can already tell right now that this is going to be a very quaint and uplifting post to read. I feel generally listless, nothing is fun-inducing for me anymore. I am consistently tired, even when I get 8-10 hours of sleep a night. It is more of a mental exhaustion, but it effects my physical being as well, which is unfortunate. Right now it's only 11:30, but I feel as if it's 3:30 and I've been up for 24 hours straight. I also get dizzy spells (although I haven't fainted yet), I tire easily, have no appetite even though I'm eating constantly, and am getting sick in other ways. Since I've gotten home, I've been fighting something that seems to be an absurd combination of tonsillitis, strep throat, and mono, which is not a fun experience, although the worst seems to be over. The physical exertion that my body is experiencing over doing absolutely nothing is absurd, ridiculous, and makes me want to scream at myself. I've come to the conclusion that this has to have stemmed from a mental tiredness over college, or friends, or life...whichever. I mean, there's no other excuse for me being so drained when I'm not supposed to be physically tired. I'm mentally tired, which is even worse.

I'm also experiencing a dreadful loss of emotion right now. I feel really detached from everything, which is disturbing to me mentally, even though I'm not emoting that disturbed state. I was discussing my general scenario with my friend Melissa last night, and I remarked that it feels as if I am "acting impartial...as if I am physically acting out my life, but I am not actually seeing it happen, and mentally, I'm an impartial observer. Like...I'm seeing myself act from a 3rd-person perspective, so I'm not emotionally attached to myself anymore." Yes, that is a direct quote, because that's exactly what I said, and it's exactly how I feel. It's a scary feeling, and I mentally register it, but I have no fucking clue what to do from there. I don't think I could cry about it if I tried, and I don't feel angry fear which would make me want to break something (or someone). It's just this paralyzing, crippling fear which leads me to type these reports to nobody in particular with a strange look of detachment on my face.

I think that right now, I am completely and totally mentally detached.

And no, I haven't been drinking, smoking, snorting, and/or dropping. Sorry to ruin all the hopes and dreams of everyone who wants nothing more than to see me in a drug-induced coma. The story around that is actually very interesting: I know that this has nothing to do with substances because I just haven't done them. I haven't done any drugs since I got home last Thursday night, and I drank Thursday night, but not even that much. I haven't gotten drunk at all this month, it's just been a casual drink or two, and I haven't gotten high or whatever either. So it's not drugs. And alcohol has ceased to be a pleasing experience for me. It's literally a struggle to make it through one beer, which gets me absolutely nowhere in terms of shit-faced-ness. I'm literally beginning to be disgusted just by the taste of it, which is weird and horrible.

But booze isn't the only thing that's lost its meaning. I've stopped finding playing piano, D&D, video games, and even something as simple as hanging out with friends any fun. It's just not enjoying for me anymore. I'm just writing my script and sulking, pretty much. I honestly don't know what to do about this...as if writing about it would magically make everything go away.

I'm just shit out of luck, aren't I?

-blake

Wow, a 5-day gap...I'm really starting to lose my consistency here. I need to step it up a little bit, put some more posts in here, et cetera. I'm really sleepy though, like...to the point I can't see straight anymore. I'm just going to say what I plan on doing, and then turn the fuck in. I'll probably, like, just end up passing out. Jesus...

So among other things, I am:

• Still working on Johnathon Murray's fictitious discourse, and having fun with it as usual. I'll get much more work on it when I'm home, though.
• Still writing songs. I didn't get to go to Blum this weekend, but I'll try for next. The School of Velocity by Czerny also came in today, so I'll be mastering that as well, which will probably slow down the whole song-mastering process. Sorry.
• Still awesome.
• Starting to write my Christmas list. Yeah, I'm still a little kid at heart.
• Starting to be a member of a new group blog. Rory's site "OmegasEye" is back up, and it's now...you guessed it, a group blog! I'm to be writing about music once a week or so, and I'll post everything I write there on here as well. At the very least, it'll keep you people busy while I fail to update...
• Starting to slowly decompose.
• Still hungry.
• Still a vegetarian, although I made my first mistake last night. I admit that I wasn't entirely sober, but it's still a mistake I could have made whilest sober. I ate a handful of my friend's Lucky Charms without realizing that marshmallows had gelatin in them. Fuck, says I. I sat on the couch for about 10 minutes in an astonished/drunken stupor, unbelieving of what I'd done...but I'm over it now.
• Starting to be finished with my English Lit II paper on Paradise Lost...it took me all afternoon, and it's six pages, so I'm pretty psyched for that. I can almost guarantee it's crap, but...meh. I wants sleep.
• Still doing comedy. We did One-Minute Madness last week, and that went a lot better than last week. My performance is not on the intarwubs yet, but just wait. In due time, you will all receive some more of my hilarity.
• Starting again to listen to my entire iTunes music library. In album order. Today alone, I've made it to Amputechture, and I'm probably going to go to sleep as the album ends.
• Starting to DJ. Yeah, it's fun. That's all I have to say for that one.
• Starting my radio show next semester (hopefully)!!! More on that as I get more information, of course. And finally,
• Starting my top 10 lists. Between you and me, December is going to be FULL of them!

-blake.

Okay, I have everything all figured out, kind of. For once. Ish. As you've noticed, there's nothing new up here tonight. I've noticed it as well, because I haven't worked on anything all weekend. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Stop talking to people and focus. All right. Okay. I'm good, I think.

If you hadn't noticed, this is going to be all completely stream-of-consciousness. I'm just going to vomit up my thoughts for all of you bastard vultures to feast upon in an attempt at self-therapy. Because honestly, I am not happy with myself right now, at all. I'm pissed off that I'm incapable of helping myself, so this is my death throes, so to speak. God knows what I'll do if this doesn't work.

I sort of feel that I'm reverting to an immature person here, as I'm just whining about myself and other people offending me somehow. But if that's what it takes, just call it talking with my inner child, and I'll be happy. If I can just fix this goddamn slump I'm in (this slump has turned into a veritable crater), I'll become totally inhibited and open with you. Maybe I will post what I have up here later on tonight. It'll be grossly incomplete, but it gives you an idea of what I'm writing. But anyway, here's my writing. No holds barred, nothing censored, just me left at a keyboard with my thoughts. And you thought "Lies" was bad...this is going to be horribly unorganized and oh my god I need to stop being drawn-out and just get to it already. START!!!!

I'm really angry right now for a bunch of reasons. First off, I'm angry at my family and my friends. I came down for the weekend, and I only hung out with Dan. I bailed out on a few people because I thought other people had plans, and then those other people bailed out and I was left sitting around at home, having hate-filled conversations with my family and playing video games. Really, that's just incredibly cruel of Karma. I bail out on friends, friends bail out on me, and so I'm left alone with my family when my sanity's been steadily crumbling. Not cool, Karma. Not cool at all.

So my weekend was pretty much a total blowout. Honestly, I wish I'd stayed up at Bard, where at least I'd have known that I was going to be alone. And Dan, I know, OcTUBAfest was so worth it. Honestly, it wasn't. Nothing could make up for all this shit happening to me except for the opposite happening, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Oh yeah, I'm not going to edit this at all, so if something doesn't make sense, tough. It'll stay that way. But OcTUBAfest was fun, even though I didn't know half of the significance behind it. You see, Dan, I'm not a music major. I don't know that they're playing a high Bb, which is really really high for the tuba. I don't know that a low low F (I'm making the notes up as I go along) is really really low for the tuba. I don't, honestly. So yeah, I felt really out of place at the concert, and I tried not to show it. Goddammit man, I just enjoyed the fucking music. That's all I ever do; take things at face-value, and form opinions on them from that vantage point.

I feel that in general, I'm becoming less coherent. I don't really know how to explain this, because it deals largely in my own perception, but I'll try nonetheless. I just feel that, in general, everything of mine is becoming a bit unglued. My sight's going fuzzy, and I feel that I'm not really seeing anything at all. I feel that yeah, my eyes are working, and yeah, my brain's responding, but so what? Why should I take it one step farther? I see an image, but I don't know what to do with it. My hands are like that, I'm not as accurate at typing or playing piano, and I'm making a lot more stupid mistakes than I used to (I am spell-checking this, just not coherency-checking it). I also feel that I'm speaking a lot less eloquently than I should be. It's like being perpetually drunk; you say to yourself "Okay, I can correct this, all I need to do is focus." And then you promptly don't focus and keep on acting the way you were before. My entire life is like that right now.

I'm also starting to scare myself a bit. I've admitted this to two people now, so what the hell, why not the whole fucking internet? I really think that I'm going insane, and I'm medicating this with apathy, alcohol, and weed. Yeah, I quit drinking three weeks ago. So much for that... But anyway, I want to find out whether or not I'm going insane, so I'm going to make active attempts to try and find a therapist. Yeah, that's right. The unbreakable, devastatingly cynical James Blake is going to try and find a therapist and work through all of his problems. I really feel sorry in advance for what'll happen to the poor soul as soon as s/he starts pushing my buttons. It'll be like that scene with DiCaprio and the shrink in The Departed, except worse, because I'm just that kind of a person. I think if I get probed too closely, I'll explode with anger that I've been dying to use for a really long time, but I haven't.

Speaking of anger, this has turned out to be a lot more introspective than I'd hoped it would be. I wanted to name some names and curse those people out, just cram as many fucks and shits into this post as I could. I might still do it, but I'm fucking pissed that I haven't started it yet. See? There's a good old fuck for you.

Shit, I just edited that mini-paragraph, I'm sorry. I put in [Speaking of anger, t] into the paragraph; before it was just "This has, etc." My bad, I'll try to stop myself. Damn me and my compulsive double-checking. I'll be lucky if I can get away with just hitting 'Post' without reviewing what the fuck I actually said.

Also, speaking of shit (I had to do that, this wasn't an edit), I have to take one. And I'm on a laptop, so just live with the knowledge that I'm about to type this next part while on the toilet. You know you want to.

Okay, now that I'm here, I just wanted to share with you all that I'm delighted about how snarky that last part was. I'm happy that I got that quality of snarky out. Jesus fucking christ, I'm already feeling better....wow, this shit actually works. Let's keep going!

What else do I want to talk about? Well, what's on my mind right now? Pretty much just the therapist deal, I'm really fucking nervous about that. I mean, what if/when my family finds out? I'll fucking die. A lot. They might even pull me out of college just for that *shudder*. I thought of "They Might Be Giants" when I said they might even, etc. And that made me think of you. Yes, you. I miss you, but I don't know why. It doesn't even matter; I can almost guarantee that you're not reading this anyway (it took me 3 tries to spell guarantee right, would you believe it? You would, you bastard word-smith-ess (different you this time)). I doubt anyone's reading this. Maybe Doug will, Neala probably will, maybe Becca will. Maybe, by some strange stretch of the imagination, Rory. But I doubt that as well. That's probably another reason why I feel so carefree about posting all this stuff. I think I said this before somewhere, but I don't know/care where. Ah, well.

Oh, speaking of bastard word-smith-esses, yeah, you know who I'm talking about. And by you here, I mean my own demented mind and the person who I'm referring to, who isn't reading this anyway. So let me talk to myself/her for a bit...the other 1 or 2 of you (you = readers here) can skip this paragraph, or you can read it and shake your head in wonder and amazement at my obvious insanity. Why haven't I been locked up yet? Anyway, I can't believe that you wrote that stuff about me in a veiled attempt to take a stab at me. And it wouldn't have worked, either, if I didn't read anything that you wrote. Why do I do that to myself? Why?!?! Do you read this too? I don't think so, even though I advertise it to anyone who will listen at any chance I get...

I guess that's the reason I put the lines I did into my info. I'm going to work that into a song, dedicated to you (Thank me, it's the first song I've actually ever explicitly written about somebody else. Or meta-written, as the case may be right now.) Anyway, I put the lines in there to get a response from you. Something, anything. Why? I don't know. I can't explain myself right now. Remember, I'm the insane person right here. Beautifully, wonderfully, delightfully batshit-fucking-loco. Okay, the porcelain is getting cold. Back to my room. Also, mental note: change "paragraph" in sentence 3 of the last paragraph to "paragraphs". But I'm done ranting about you for now. Seriously, either get the fuck out of my life right now, or step in it forever and ever amen. One or the other, please. I don't like inconsistencies. Oh, and thank you, even though I can't play it yet. Yeah, if you've been reading this, you'd know that my piano teacher ripped apart everything I've done and made me start over. Maybe someday, some year, some lifetime, I'll conquer that 6/8 section. But no time soon. I'M DONE WITH YOU. GO AWAY.

I want to rap. But then I'd have to be not-white, which I can't do. (T-A-K-E-N-O-P-R-I-S-O-N-E-R-S--"Coffee", by Aesop Rock. His new album, by the way, is really good. Like, legitimately good for rap, which is hard to come by for me.)

Okay, back in my room (a paragraph and a half later xD), and I want to discuss one or two more things before I close up the mental shop for the night. First off, I don't know why, but I really want to be in a relationship right now. Like, with anyone. It's sadlypathetic (yes, that's one word), and actually, I think I do know why. I think that since relationships come easy to me, I want something that is both easy and provides stability and balance to my life. Some voice of reason would be really nice right now. Not saying that my friends aren't a voice of reason to me, it's just that I'm relying on them a lot more than I'm used to, and I want to stop doing that. You bastards (you=friends) don't deserve to know this much about me unless you're fucking me. Gosh darn. And I know a few girls who I could start talking to or resume talking to again, but I don't want to do that. I want a relationship, yet I feel very...asexual. A very scary thought for a person like me, especially for those who know the sex-god persona of James Blake.

All in all, I figure I have 5 major personas, and then a bunch of minor ones that are just mixtures of the basic 5. There's sex-god James Blake, cynical asshole James Blake, hopeless romantic James Blake, nerdy white kid James Blake, and serious, musician-type James Blake. That's the best definition I can give to the last one, but you hopefully get the point. Right now, I like a combination of the first three James Blakes, but with more of the silliness from my sex-god persona than biting seriousness from the asshole James Blake. But I can't seem to achieve that combination, I don't know why not.

Oops, I went around finding lyrics rather than discussing the last important point and closing this. The last important point is you (And not the you from before. The last you (and not last in the sense of the last 'you' used in this post (by that, I mean chronologically, the last you))). I touched on you before, but I can't let you go. I seem to have a pattern of this in my life... No, fuck it. I don't want to talk to you, about you, or anything that has to do with you. I've broken enough things due to rage in the last 24 hours.

That's a lie; I've actually been very calm in the last 24 hours. But I don't want to start breaking things because of you. If you read this, please talk to me. Please? No, don't. Don't talk to me. Fuck, it's your choice. Do what you want.

I just said this to one of my friends (who will remain nameless) in an AIM conversation:
(1:00:01 AM) XXXXX: you should be proud of me lol
(1:00:14 AM) Blake: i am
(1:00:16 AM) Blake: im very proud of you
(1:00:26 AM) Blake: but honestly, i'm more worried about myself right now
(1:00:38 AM) Blake: becuase if i go insane and kill myself, what'll you end up doing with your life?
(1:01:17 AM) XXXXX: don't say that
(1:01:47 AM) Blake: lol
(1:01:53 AM) XXXXX: it's not funny

She's right, it's not. As soon as I said that, I got intensely scared. I don't like thinking about death, especially not my own. I haven't thought about that since...aw, shit, I guess I thought about my own death a lot in the transition from high school to college. But not seriously, just like a "I have the power to drive this car through the railing and down into the river and nobody can stop me". And yes, I'm fully aware of how scary that statement just was, but that was honestly what I was thinking. Complete control is riveting, but in an extremely negative way as well. But I won't dwell on that, that stage of my life is long gone. I've been clean from thinking of suicide since I got into college. Even entertaining the notion of suicide fleetingly or jokingly, but I mean, everybody does that at certain points, right? ....ri--right? God, I hope I am.

-blake.

Hi there, how do you do?
My name is you.
Flies, they all gather 'round me and you too.
I don't want you to be alone down there,
To be alone down there, to be alone.
The Devil's apprentice, he gave me some credit,
He fed me a line and I'll probably regret it.
I don't want you to be alone down there,
To be alone down there, to be alone.
"Alone Down There", by Modest Mouse