2 posts tagged “funny!”

So I'll share with you this interesting little discovery:

Fun Fact #1025: I've found that I write better while picturing everything I say in a British/Australian accent much like the one Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw has.

The more you know...

-blake.

Those above words are probably my favorite to hear whenever I'm bored and with friends (which happens often). Since I can't play video games for an extended amount of time, and I don't write or play piano that much anymore, my main hobbies are just "hanging out" and driving around. Neither of which are incredibly productive, but I do think they are slowly and surely putting me back on track to the human I was a few years ago. Tonight was a Wal-Mart run night, and it was probably the most fun I've had all break. Originally, I was going to head up to Long Island today to pick up a camcorder (after various problems with ripping Star-Nosed Moles to DVD), but thankfully I did not need to make the four hour up-and-back that probably would have sucked out the last remaining remnants of what you people would call a soul. Unfortunately, I did not find out that I wasn't making the trip until 3:30, so my afternoon was spent bracing myself for the long drive and playing Rock Band with my friends Adam and Curley. We were also planning on seeing Cloverfield tonight (Yeah, I don't care if it sucks, I still want to see it. Go away.), but seeing as you're getting a blog about Wal-Mart, that obviously didn't happen.

At around 6:00, we started to get ravenously hungry, which, of course, meant leaving the house. And in New Jersey, leaving the house for food can only lead to one of two things: a White Castle or a diner. Since I'm a vegetarian, I naturally opted for the latter option, and we were diner-bound. After some good old disco fries (in vegetarian gravy, thank you very much!) and an omelette, we were left with a check, indigestion, and no sense of direction for the night. Since I am undoubtedly going to make my life into a play someday, and this scene will undoubtedly be in that play, I'll give you a sneak peek at this particular portion.

Waitress drops the check on the table. Adam, James and Curley stare at it, then at Adam, who reluctantly pulls out a credit card and goes to pay it. Curley and James sit at the table in awkward silence. Beat. Double-Beat. Triple-Beat. Adam comes back to the table just as James starts:

James: ...Now what?

Beat.

Adam: Wal-Mart run?

The above excerpt will surely be the ultimate moment of the play. I'm sure you can already see the rampant emotion even in text, and can picture us all up on a stage, as real as that night. The audience will laugh, then cry. Women and children will be asked to leave as they get so emotional they become a hazard to the people around them. Then it will pass as quickly as it came, and leave the viewer with a sense that something wondrous just happened. But what, exactly?

Yes, I know that was a tangent, but I had fun writing it. Don't make fun of me!

Anyway, we go to Wal-Mart, and engage in a few activities that probably would have gotten us out of the store if people bothered watching us. These activities included:

• Playing basketball with the bouncy balls. How cliche.
• Tossing and catching a toy called the Orbit Ball, which was marketed as "Fun to throw! Fun to catch!"
• Trying to do the same with balls that did not have the orbit ball's label, but it just wasn't the same without throwing or catching them.
• Playing with the volume of the automobile stereo systems.
• Trying to put tires on layaway.
• Seeing what would be the funniest purchase along with a box of condoms. Winner: Mr. Curley, with a bottle of deer pheromones.
• Hiding behind plants in the garden section, then coming out when someone walked by, saying "Oh, herro!" in an Asian accent, and trying to shake the person's hand.
• Playing hide and seek
• Playing tag
• Playing tag with other people
• Lounging on couches that were on display. On shelves about three feet above the ground.
• Adam and I wanting Curley to page us saying "A-NI-MAL! A-NI-MAL!"

Last but not least, we ended up in the Valentine's Day isle, where there were a plethora of eye-burning stuffed animals adorned with hearts and bright colors. But instead of running away at top speed, Curley decided to take a dog off the shelf at random and drop-kick it at me. With my lightening-fast reflexes, I caught the dog, looked at it, and collapsed on the ground in fits of laughing.

This dog was the ugliest thing I have ever seen. It looked like a chihuahua, mixed with a dachshund, and beaten nine-tenths of the way to death with an ugly stick. This thing was ugly as all hell, but it was also exceptionally long, giving it the opportunity for corny and punny love messages inscribed on its side. Of course, it had hearts on it, but it also had a phrase which I honestly thought I was reading wrong for a few seconds.

"I love this much!"

We took a picture of it, just to make sure that we weren't hallucinating. This picture will be up here sometime tomorrow, for your viewing pleasure. I hope it'll make your day as much as it made mine.

-blake

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who heard rumors 'bout him and a bucket
Well, he said quite sincere
To all who would hear,
"I never decided to fuck it!"

Well this hurt the poor bucket's feelings,
She didn't find lying appealing
Though they were never in bed,
She'd given him head
And took quite a few while a'kneeling.

(I made that up last night after my haiku. It amused me, at least.)